Swede suffers shrinking penis after dentist fits mouthguard

Swedish authorities are investigating the mysterious case of a Smaland man whose wedding tackle went into rapid decline after his dentist prescribed a mouthguard to cure him of grinding his teeth.

Apparently 90 per cent of Swedes involuntarily grind their teeth. The condition can lead to jaw pain, damaging their own gnashers and potentially their relationships, as partners are forced to listen to their gnashers grinding away in the wee small hours.

Our unfortunate individual took the entirely sensible option of getting fitted for a mouthguard. However, while the plastic contraption undoubtedly kept his teeth in order, he noticed an immediate negative effect somewhere else.

The patient reported erectile dysfunction, compounded by a shrinking penis, and duly reported this to his dentist. He followed up with the observation that a week after dumping the apparently potency sapping mouthguard, his erectile problems had dissipated and his genitals had regained their original size.

The dentist has reported the mystery to the Swedish Medical Products agency, together with the patient’s suggestion that the plastic used in the mouthguard might be at the root of the problem, so to speak.

Going by the reports, in the Local and Kvallposten, it appears the evidence is anecdotal - there appears to be no suggestion that the dentist had recorded the patient’s penis size before, during and after the use of the mouthguard. Or, indeed, that the patient was wearing the device incorrectly.

Still, if it does transpire that a certain variety of plastic does have mysterious shrinking powers, perhaps firemen the world over could be spared having to deploy their angle grinders to free foolhardy chaps who get their vitals stuck in: ring spanners, steel rings, or plumbing. Who knows, perhaps it might even help athletes who have unfortunate stiffie inducing accidents with their mountain bikes